Brian's Blogg
Well of course I did not get the job with the UP. Kinda pissed me off, but i"m used to getting shut down. Guess it was not meant to be. Still looking for a job that will let me quit going to New Orleans.
Waa hoo! Yet another day of rain and no money coming in. Course, even if it wasn't raining today I still wouldn't have gone to work becasue I'd have to fight Mardi Gras traffic. One way or another I have to go to New Orleans tomorrow night. Thursday I have a hiring session with the Union Pacific Railroad in Metairie so I'm going to go down and spend the night down there. I sure as hell hope that I get that job.
Calving season is going rather well so far. I have a total of 8 new calves now and in a couple of weeks I"m going to be hauling them to the sale barn. I need to find me a horse something bad. Before it was just something that I wanted but now that I've started roping and working cows, I have a serious itch for a horse. Hell, if I had one I wouldn't be inside right now.
I'm having a pretty rough evening and I need a way to get some thoughts and stuff out of my head.
Tonight I spent the evening alone, as usual, watching movies. I got to see Seabiscuit finally and was deeply touched by the movie. It got me thinking about things. The last line of the movie said something like this..."Everyone thinks we got this old broken horse and fixed him. The truth is, he fixed us." The courage and heart that animal displayed is highly admirable. That line got me thiking about my life and what needed fixing in it. As the moivie ended and I went to bead, I was overcome with sorrow. Such emotions have not been released since the end of June, when my heart was shattered and my world crumbled around me. As I lay in bed in a vain attempt to go to sleep this evening, I instead lay there crying and mumbling into the darkness. For the first time in a while I prayed with all my heart to God. See, the hurt that I feel is not from anyone else's actions but my own. All the misery that I am in can not be blamed on anyone but me. Believe me I've tried to put the fault on Tiffany's doorstep so that I would not have to take responsibility. I was the one that allowed my child to be killed...I was the one that placed it on the chopping block. I was the one that spent all those thousands of dollars in a desperate attempt to buy the love of a woman that I loved with all my being...a woman that I still love with all my heart to this very day. I was the one that cussed my dad all those times when i was angry at the cards life had dealt me. God that one hurts me so bad I can't even type........... I was the one that ignored my parents and took them and their love for granted. It took me 25 years to finally realize just how much they truly love and care for me and I feel like such a heel for taking them for granted and squandering that time until now. I was the one that bought frivolous things and wasted money on shit that I really didn't need. I was the one that took the love of someone special for granted as well; so much so that when I lost her I tried to hold on and ended up pushing ehr away from me and into the arms of someone that personifies everything I despise. I was the one that wouldn't trust, and hollered, and said hurtful things and lost the girl of my dreams. I guess my loneliness and emptiness is punishment for that. I was the one who turned to a life filled with alcahol, women, and drugs in an attempt to fill that empty void. I was the one that did all these things yet I would not take responsibility for it.
Tonight I prayed to God to just put me to rest. Take over and drive the car, so to speak. I've proved well enough that I can not make the correct decision and I'm not capable of handling the responsibility of my life. So, I told him to please go ahead and make those decisions and turns for me. I don't know if it's "working" but I think He heard me. Hell, I"m not laying on my bed crying like a baby anymore. I just wish there was some way that I could make right the wrongs that I've committed to everyone in my life. Maybe one day I will get to apologise to mom and dad, to Tiffany, to my unnamed and unborn baby and to myself. Tonight is going to be the first step down that path. Where it leads only the Lord knows.
I guess it's about time for an update.
Last week was very hectic around the remuda. We are well into calving season and so far we have had a total of 7 calves, 6 of which lived. We've had 3 calves since Sunday and there's at least 3 heifers that are springing heavily and are expected to calve in the next couple of days.
Didn't do a whole lot this weekend, other than the usual stuff around here. Hung out with Bobby, Deanna, and a couple of our friends Saturday night. Went hunting Sunday in Easleyville. Unfortunately, I had a slight accident and ended up knee deep in the freezing ass stream. FYI, when it's 40* and your feet are soaking wet, it's NOT a good thing. I now have a bad cold/flu/pneumonia. Luckily I am going to the doctor tomorrow for a checkup and hopefully a shot or something.
My boss, Randy, got fired from work Monday and everyone at work is very uneasy about things. I've done some thinking, and I've come to the conclusion that I've got to get off my ass and do what I've said I intended to do for the past 2 years. It's time for me to break out on my own and start building houses. I'm going to spend the next few days and this weekend getting my things in order. I figure if I'm going to work my ass off, I might as well be doing it for myself and putting the profit in my pocket. Driving to New Orleans every morning and watching the sun rise over the Lake has given me some inspiration and time to think. See, for too long now I've been living in the past regarding past misery. I've allowed myself to be hurt by things, and to still give a shit about it. I remembered today that I love roping and I need to get back with it. I also recalled a line from a movie that I heard that is a good piece of advice to live by..."You've gotta either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." It's true. I've allowed myself not to enjoy life to it's fullest because I've been thinking of my past too much. It's time to move on.
I took a shower tonight and as I got out, I looked at myself in the mirror. For the first time since I can remember, I actually liked what I saw and didn't get disgusted. While I'm no Addonis, my body is in superb shape and getting better every day. I still don't have any hair, but I didn't see the awkward, shy, and ugly boy that I used to see. I saw a man...one worthy of a lot more than he's received in the love department. Of course, the smile and wave from the gorgeous brunette in the Camaro on the way home didn't hurt either. I actually feel self confident.
Today was a day of mixed emotions at the ranch. Went to work this morning in the pouring rain. Left home at 4:45 in a storm and went to pick up the company trailer to head to New Orleans. Got to Mc Donalds to wait on Randy who is supposed to be there in about 30 minutes. About 45 minutes alter the rest of our workers showed up cause they were rained out. Randy finally showed up at 10:30.
After getting aggrivated with work bullshit, Mr Billy called me. He fell down in the shower this morning and couldn't hardly get up. He's decided he doesn't think it's a good idea for him to be by himself anymore. Tomorrow I'm taking off of work to drive him where he needs to go. One of our destinations is going to be his lawyer...I'm semi anxious as to what that's for. Anyway, he's doing real bad and I don't know exactly what to say or do. Just concerned for the future of his health, the future of the ranch, and the future of my living arrangements. He mentioned something tonight about keeping my eyes open for opportunities. He said that one day an opportunity is going to come knocking and I best be prepared to take it cause I'll never know when it's coming. Gut feelings tell me that the lawyer visit is going to concern my taking over some or all of the ranch. I feel like a sack of shit being happy about it though cause he's in bad health and I'm benefiting from it in a way. Anyway enough rambling. Tomorrow is Wednesday so looks like I'm going wife shopping at one of the bars. Gonna see what happens with Mr Billy tomorrow cause I may be flying to Dallas Friday afternoon.
Went on a job interview today! I hope I have the opportunity and the fortune to work for this company becasue it would be a really cool job. The only downside is that I'd have about an hour's commute one way, but that's the price you pay for living out your dream. I don't see myself living anywhere else but where I am now. I have a feeling that this place will be all mine one day. I can't wait to finally get my horse so I can start riding again, plus I want to start working my cattle on horseback like the real cowboys did.
For the first time in my life I feel like I have some sense of purpose, of fulfillment. I have the responsibiliy for ensuring the life and livelihood of this ranch and the cattle upon it. This is waht I'm meant to do. I have no free time right now becasue I work every day of the week, either in my construction job or here on the ranch. But you know, I really can't complain. I've froze my ass off covered in freezing mud, but I come home smiling. The joy of watching a calf being born is worth it all. Of course I could have done without having to dispose of the calf that died as well as having to shoot one of my heifers in the head. But that's part of it. I have one of, if not the baddest truck in the area, I have 335 acres of pasture and timber land to play on, I'm working the land, I'm fighting for my country [><], and I'm in the best shape I've been in since before I graduated college. All I need in my life now is a good woman to come home to, if such a thing exists and to find a church near here that I can again celebrate the love of God. I may have skeletons in my closet and blood stains on my hands, but God blesses me every day for giving me what I have and I adore my life right now.
Life is pretty good I reckon. Things have been hectic with bills and psycho women (as if there was another kind of woman other than nucking futs). I have questions running through my mind that I must type out. Why in the fuck do women have to be hypocrites? Take for example Tiffany. Both while we were dating and then afterwards when we were trying to do the friend thing, she swore to me that she and that fuck head, pussy bullrider fag was just her friend. She laughed about how UGLY he was, how STUPID and IGNORANT he was, about how there was NO CHANCE IN HELL she'd ever get with him, etc.... She dogged him out for everything he was worth. Now she thinks he the greatest thing since sliced bread and she's going out wiht him. This kind of shit blows my mind and makes me wonder if there is such as thing as a sane woman. I doubt there is.
Knowing these facts Tiffany seems to be either more of a liar than I already knew she was, or more of a hypocrite....maybe a combination of the 2. I now feel even better about not being with her, because if she thinks she actually has something in that loser, then she wasn't much to begin with. Talk about trading down. LMAO! Yeah I did some shitty things, and I was wrong for a lot of shit I've done, some would even argue I needed to have my ass kicked for it. I don't deny what I did and I take responsibility for it. However, I also did a great many things right and for that I feel like I was not and am not a total piece of shit...unlike Bullshit. Oh well, fuck it. I'll find osmeone much better, who is a true friend and not a backstabber and a liar like some (most) of the whores I've been involved with.
