Brian's Blogg
This week was a pretty good week I must say. So far, even though it's only been 3 days, I'm enjoying my work. I get to be outside taking care of business, and I also get to drive around somewhat as well.
Didn't do jack last night, other than go to dinner and watch a movie. Today was a long and fun day. Went to Bobby's house this morning to go to work. We went to his uncle's house to get a trailer and somehow got side tracked into roping the Buford roping machine. Can I tell you I had a freaking blast. My ground work excuse is no more. I roped the sucker several times and even at a trot. I've been officially bitten by the roping bug. I can't wait to do it some more.
Mr Billy is not doing well at all. I think he's on the verge of giving up. I'm going to go see him tomrrow to help him out with some things and to spend some time with him.
Well today was the first day of work. I went to work for a former boss of mine and today was the first time I've put in a full honest day's work in a while. I also heard from another job today that has been delaying making a hiring decision and they are still considering hiring me. Anyway I think this job may prove to grow into something very good for me.
I took some time to write a letter to Tiffany last night. It took a lot for me to write some of the things I wrote but in the end I felt much better about things. I apologized for all the shady shit i've done in recent times and some other stuff as well.
Today I went to church for the first time in about 2 or 3 months. It was also the first time since May that I went to the church that I attended before I moved with my ex. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed the atmosphere of that place. Today's sermon was extremely beneficial to me and I'm glad I went. Here lately I've been really stressed out and worried about everything in my life, and I remembered today that I should not. I have returned to the way I used to think of things, and that is that God is going to provide everything I need as long as I turn my life over to Him. Anyway, it was really nice to be back in church. To be honest, I almost didn't go this morning. As I said, this is Tiffany's church that she attends regularly and I was concerned that she might be there and she might have a problem with me going there. I did see her parents, my former future in-laws and to be honest I was kinda hoping that she would be there as well. Before going to church there was a lot of tension about this, but when I walked into that building I remembered how many good times we had and how much I really do miss her in my life. As much as I hate to admit it, I do miss her and I still love her with all my heart. Guess that doesn't say much for me.
Anyway, I'm off to go to a roping and to ride around a little bit.
I figured I'd waste some more time until my wife for the evening gets off of work.
I'd like to expand on the current status of my personal life. It's my goal to be competing in rodeo in the next year and hopefully by the start of next season. My choice is to compete in real rodeo events, namely steer wrestling and team roping. I say real events because those events trace their histories back to the cattle ranches of the old west. Rodeo started when the ranch cowboys got together in off times to compete against each other to see who was the best cowboy. They competed to see who could rope the steers quickest, who could bulldog the steers the fastest, who was best at breaking green horses, etc. BULL RIDING IS NOT A REAL EVENT and is in my opinion the biggest joke out there. Anyway, I have been trying to concentrate my efforts on roping primarily and I'm getting somewhat close to having my ground work completed. I'm going tomorrow to rope the Buford, which is a mechanical practice dummy.
Another big part of my life is being myself. I quit drinking for a year and a half because for that time I had something that satisfied my every want and desire. Once that was ripped out, and compound that with the tragic loss of another life I was intimately involved in, I reverted to the one thing that will warm me inside. I've stopped drinking beer, except when I get off of work, or out of the woods, or need a fast and inexpensive pick me up. I remembered I love run drinks (thanks Jeb). Anyway, drinking brings me some numbing satisfaction. If you think less of me then fuck you too. I have recently remembered my skills in the bedroom and the ability to get to that stage. Sex and love...it ain't nothing but a game to both teams.
Well it's time to start getting ready. Gotta get the candles and treats ready for my next fling. Time to turn down the lights, turn on some music, warm up the hot tub (gotta put some motion in the ocean) and get the rubbers lined up. I do so love hearing a woman screaming my name and feel her scratching my back.
It's been a while since I've posted so I guess I"ll update.
To be honest there's not too much to say. Still trying to work a little bit to pay for my other habits. Been roping some and progressing slowly. My teacher and I have been busy doing other things. Went hunting today but didn't kill anything other than time although we did see one. Didn't do too much last night, just hung out here and drank some with friends. Hoping to start a job soon so I can make some dinero.
Personal life still sucks a fat one. I must say I am making decent progress on my journey towards forgiving myself for what I've allowed to happen. I've reached a revelation, courtesy of the whore I was once with. I've come to realize that all women are for the most part, similar in design. They all will look at you and tell you one thing, but when your back is turned they will do different. The last 3 girls I've dated were nearly identical in how they acted. All 3 of them told me they would be faithful yet that did not happen. All 3 said they loved me yet they proved that was not the case. All 3 of them are bitches. I'm a better person for having gotten hurt by them. Looking back, it's a damned shame things turned out the way they did, but I really can't be too sad about it. Had I know a year ago what I know now....well there's no use in thinking about what might have been. I tried to believe in something that simply couldn't be, but I'm glad things finally ended. I'm glad to know that the saying "once a whore, always a whore" holds true and I did not get married to that. I'm glad to be rid of the Livingston Parish part too. This whole saga has made me a much stronger and tougher person. I no longer give a damn about feelings except for my own. The only important things in my life are my friends, family, roping, drinking, fighting, and making money. I do so look forward to the chance to beat the piss out of a certain bull rider that will remain unnamed.
Today I received some exciting news. I have a second interview with a small contractor here in town. With any luck I will get offered a job tomorrow and I can finally start making some headway towards getting my life back on track. Hopefully I can get some bills paid off and finally save some money and get ahead. I also received my official documents from the SCV Headquarters.
Tonight's movie night at my friend's house so I'm going over there. Maybe I'll get lucky and there will be at least one single woman there. But the way my luck runs in that aspect, there's not going to be anything but hard legs there. Such is life.
This is my first of what will probably be many posts. Right now in my life most of the posts will involve the pain and torment of a broken heart.
Here's a little history. I graduated in December, 2001 from LSU with a BS degree in Construction Management. Immediately after graduating I began dating a long time friend of mine. We had a lot in common and lots of history as best friends, so we decided to take it to the next level. For the next year and a half we were together almost constantly, sharing in the events of each other's lives. On several occasions we discussed our future and we knew early on that we were meant to spend the rest of our lives together. We helped each other through so many different things; deaths, births, financial woes, lay-offs, school, rodeo, and countless others. For a year and a half I spent every ounce of my energy on making her happy and trying to prepare a better future for us together. Before she and I started dating, she gained a reputation around the rodeo circuit as easy. Her and her friend together probably slept with 90% of the male contestants in our association. She also was very proud of her abilities as a player and bragged about screwing 2 or 3 guys at a time and playing them against each other. However, she told me she had put those times behind her and was a changed person. She said she wanted a serious relationship, that she wanted to fall in love with her best friend and spend the rest of her life with him. She was finished with the cheating and whoring around. For the year and a half that we dated I never totally trusted her because of her reputation and track history. I always was concerned when I wasn't around that she might have a moment of weakness and give into temptation. Over the course of time I bought her not one, but two promise rings to express my love and devotion to her and us.
Back in May, 2003 she failed (passed?) a pregnancy test. At the time I was out of a steady job and was about to move 270 miles away to a new job that I thought would be a good career move. She is in school and had no desire to settle down and marry me, so we decided that the right thing fro us was to not have the child. Six months alter I'm still having difficulty dealing with what we did. The child would have been born very close to my birthday. As much as I hate to admit it, I still cry myself to sleep some nights thinking about it. Recently I discovered that around the time that she got pregnant, I was out of town for several days working and staying with my cousin. While I was away, she went to her ex-boyfriend's house that I hate with an intensity rivaled by none. She said she drove there to see his new house and to talk and hang out....by herself. She recently told me the reason that she went there was to sleep with him. A mutual friend of ours told me that the day after she went there, she called our friend asking for the morning after pill. It didn't work. I don't know if this information is valid, but it still makes one think.
Shortly after moving away we broke up because I didn't trust her. We tried to be friends and work things out, then I find out about this stuff. Now, I have nothing. We do not have any contact whatsoever, unless she reads this blogg. Because of her, because of her selfishness, her callousness, her laziness, I have lost just about everything that held meaning in my life. Whether the child was mine or not, I still live with the guilt and remorse for killing my child. Had we not done that, things would likely be totally different and I probably wouldn't be typing this right now. I've lost my best friend, my confidant. I have lost the girl that I loved with every part of my body and should, the girl that held the key to my heart. I've lost financially as well, but that's not as important. I've lost all of this because she wasn't strong enough to keep her ass at home, but instead went to his house.
For the life of me I can not figure out what the hell I did that was so wrong. I can't understand why what I was asking for was too much. What made her change form wanting to spend the rest of my life with me to what we have now? Why in Christ's name did she have to go to his house? Why was I foolish enough to believe that she was changed in the first place? You know, I just don't know what I did to deserve to be hurt like I have been. What did I do to deserve this pain and suffering that I must contend with every day of my life. I didn't drink at all for a year and a half. I didn't need nor want to. I had enough to satisfy my every want. I admit it, I've started sinking into a self-pitying pit filled with alcohol, drugs, and loose women. I've lost all feeling in my heart and I truly feel like my soul is dead or at least in a coma. Have you ever truly felt your heart split apart and hurt? I have. I literally felt my heart crumble and ache. I went form living for another day with my baby, to just hoping I make it to the next day. For the life of me I don't know where I strayed form the path. Maybe it started when we first got together. Misery..I wouldn't wish the way I feel on my worst enemy. If I could go back and undo what we did back in May, if I could go back and change what she did at his house.....
To this very day I still love her with all my heart. I think of her every day and miss her terribly. I miss holding her in my arms, kissing her lips, everything about being with her. I miss Sunday afternoons after church and us coming home and taking a nap together. I miss falling asleep next to her with her in my arms feeling her breathe. I miss waking up in the morning and us facing opposite ways in the fetal position with nothing but our butts touching. I miss the little things. I miss hearing her tell me "I love you" every night before I go to bed. Now, she probably tells someone else that. I miss being wanted by someone. I miss the satisfaction of not having to find a date for the weekend. I miss knowing that I could pick up the phone and there would always be someone on the other end wanting to talk to me and comfort me when I was down. I miss doing the same for her. I miss her with everything I have. I still love her to death, despite the torment she has forced upon me.
God be with me, because it sure doesn't seem like anyone else wants to be.
